I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
