im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize