i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
