Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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