Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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