Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
