I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
