we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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