I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
