they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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