My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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