i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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