Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize