I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
