i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
