coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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