I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
