I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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