apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
