It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
