My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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