and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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