fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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