Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
