Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
