she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
