She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize