i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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