i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
