Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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