How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
