i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
