'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
