I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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