My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Randomize