just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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