Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
