my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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