My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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