Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
