Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
