Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize