I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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