Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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