found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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