Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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