I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
