the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
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