i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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