I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
