I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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