it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
