dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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