i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
