the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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