ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
