I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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