I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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