im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
