just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize