i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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